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August 8, 1997
Last week Danish researchers announced a
startling find.
Men have on average 4 billion more brain cells
than women.
After sticking 94 cadavers in the cuisinart and
then counting their brain cells, they found that
women have an average of 19 billion brain cells and
men have 23 billion of the little gray suckers.
Before we men start lording our brain cell
superiority over the fairer sex, the researchers
were quick to point out that our 4 billion extra do
not make us smarter.
Scientists were asked what men do with our
brainy surplus.
"Right now," said Dr. Bente Pakkenberg, "it's a
mystery."
So once again it is up to us columnists to step
in where the highly educated fear to tread.
There are many things those extra brain cells
allow men to do, none of which I might add makes us
any smarter:
- Drink beer. Of the 4 billion extra brain
cells, you have to figure we kill at least half
on Saturday nights and at stags. The surplus is
nature's way of making sure men don't lose the
power of speech (at least permanently).
- Commit to memory reams of baseball and
hockey statistics. Useful in the office sports
pools, nowhere else.
- Allow us to watch up to five television
channels simultaneously. This has resulted in
much TV converter envy among our less brainy
female companions, not to mention domestic
violence and divorce.
- Be able to figure out instinctively which of
the many suspects will be arrested and hauled
off to jail on the TV show COPS. (Hint: keep
your eyes on the guy wearing a baseball hat but
no shirt.)
- Memorize every episode of the Three Stooges,
the Simpsons, and Monty Python. It might come
in handy. What if aliens arrive and threaten to
blow up the Earth unless we know all the words
to the Dead Parrot Sketch?
- It's where we store our vast knowledge of
how to do things without using any of the proper
tools. Women always want to open a can using a
can opener. Men can improvise with anything
that is handy - a rock, shoe, shotgun, Buick.
That's what separates us from the beasts.
(Particularly the less bright ones).
- Remember the engine sizes of all Ford
products since the 1920s. Like sports, men have
an almost infinite ability to store arcane car
trivia.
- The ability to navigate without consulting a
map. Men are never lost. Sometimes roads
aren't where they should be.
- Hide our true feelings. It only seems like
men are insensitive blobs. We in fact have deep
feelings. For example, just the other day, I
felt hungry.
- And finally, we men devote that extra 4
billion brain cells to better understanding and
appreciating women.
If you ever needed proof that more brains
doesn't make us any smarter, there it is.
Mystery solved.
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