Quebec has a new Premier who has devoted himself to the destruction of Canada. Well, pardon me if I don't fall off the couch.

Ever since he sought the job as Breaker-Upper in Chief, Bernard Landry has gone out of his way to pick fights with the rest of Canada. First there was his "red rag" comment. Then he got all sniffy about not being allowed to address the Summit of the Americas next month just because he doesn't have his own country yet.

Last week he was busy complaining that Canada was holding back Quebec's economic growth, and they'd be rolling in the piastres if it wasn't for us.

It gets a little tiresome after a while. If I want to see big babies trying to pick fights, I'll poke my nose over the fence of the local daycare. Or I'll just relive the many pointless arguments I had with my college roommate.

So in the coming months, I thought I'd give you a preview of some of the other things Landry may be planning to blame on Canada:

• That we used the last toilet paper roll in the House of Commons and didn't replace it.
• That we keep calling Landry in the middle of dinner and asking if he's interested in saving money on long distance.
• That English people pronounce it 'Kew-beck' just to get on his nerves, even though they really know how to say it.
• That Anglos were responsible for picking out the outfit Celine Dion wore in Las Vegas when she and her husband renewed their wedding vows.
• We cause the potholes as deep as swimming pools that stud Montreal's highways by continually driving back and forth from Ontario to Newfoundland.
• Drinking milk right out of the carton.
• That sending our kids to French immersion doesn't show our commitment to bilingualism, but is really just a cleverly disguised attempt to bring down Quebec culture from the inside.
• Leaving the heat on in the Senate even though we know we're going to be out for the whole day.
• Humiliating Quebec by insisting that French Canadians continue to accept key, high-paying jobs in the Federal government and military.
• Our embarrassing attempts to speak high school French while on holiday in Quebec City makes it impossible for them to pretend we're actually admiring Americans.
• Turning on the CBC and finding out the only thing there is to watch is a twelve hour curling marathon, followed by nine hours of figure skating.
• All those ninety-five cent calls to directory assistance, rather than just looking them up in the phone book.
• That we have humiliated Landry's new Cabinet Minister, Richard Legendre, a former Tennis Canada director, by not continuing to honour his 10% off card at the pro shop.
• That communicating directly with the people of Quebec over the heads of the provincial government is really unfair, since they may get an idea of what a wonderful country this is to be part of.

Quelle humiliation!