I write a regular column that appears Saturdays in the Calgary Sun and Thursday or Friday in the Winnipeg Sun. I have also written a regular column for the National Post's "Toronto" Saturday magazine, the London Free Press and the Toronto Sun, and have appeared the Toronto Star.

This is how I looked when I wrote for the Post. I was there just long enough to get this hand-carved beauty done - then they decided to save a few bucks and get rid of the freelance columnists. Now I know why they call the picture at the top of a column a "headstone".

I have recently also branched out into the world of Blogging. You can read my rants about why Toronto is Canada's favourite city to hate here: http://lautens.blogspot.com/ or by clicking the fancy picture to the right.

Through the good people at the Calgary Sun you can read my column online. Just click here to read this week's column and a few recent ones.

Want to be a Writer?

There are a few simple rules to follow:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.