WHY BIOS ARE LAME

I hate those bios that talk about why your cat is the cutest, or why you can't wait for the New Kids On The Block reunion. Every twelve year old now has a blog or Facebook thing. You better have an interesting life if you're going to use up valuable bandwidth needed to sell you Viagra or introduce you to lonely Russian brides.The Internet cops ought to stop anyone under 40 from posting a bio. Unfortunately, I passed 40 some time ago.

WHAT? YOU'RE STILL READING THIS?

I was born in 1959 to my parents Jackie and Gary Lautens. (I always wonder when people say "born to my parents". Who else would you be born to?) I lived in Hamilton and Burlington until the family moved to Toronto when I was 16.

Fast forward to Victoria College at the University of Toronto where I earned a degree in history in 1982. At Victoria College I was active in theatre, acting, writing, and eventually writing for and co-producing The Bob Revue - Canada's oldest comedy revue that started the careers of Norman Jewison and Margaret Atwood. That's me with my best friend of some 30 years, Rob Harris, at a North House party drinking beer out of (mostly) empty peanut butter jars. The medals were off a Seagram's bottle. To see how life imitates art, scroll down to see my new medals below in my fancy uniform of The Order of Saint Joachim.

As a debater I won the Ward-McCully Debating Tournament in 1982. My name is also on a target shooting trophy somewhere in the basement of Hart House. I won with a series of wild shots, so no one has to be alarmed - or come to think of it, maybe you should be...

Before going on to law school I worked in Ottawa for two years as a Special Assistant to Senator Hazen Argue, Minister of State (Canadian Wheat Board), where at the tender age of 21 I worked on his Cabinet stuff. This was during the last Trudeau government, and my work on the Hill put me in contact with some of the now legendary names in Canadian politics, and often even Trudeau himself. It was a kinder, gentler world where Cabinet Ministers and even Prime Ministers walked around without security.

I then went on to Queen's Law School, where I completed my law degree in 1986, and met my wife Rhea. At Queen's I chaired the Speakers Bureau and worked on the family law legal aid project. With my friend Eric we came second in the prestigious Engineers' Beer Brewing Contest with our potent entry "Old Yeller". One drink and they had to shoot you.

BECOMING A LAWYER

On my Call to the Bar in 1988 I opened my own law practice in downtown Toronto. My practice was primarily litigation, with an emphasis on family law. I appeared at all levels of Court, including the Ontario Court of Appeal, Divisional Court and even the Federal Court of Canada.

I have been active in politics for the almost 30 years, and have held a variety of posts. I ran as a candidate in the riding of Beaches-Woodbine in the 1995 Ontario provincial election. I lost - but then again so did a lot of other people. I reminded my wife that Lincoln ran 11 times before he got elected. She reminded me that I'm no Lincoln.

UNBECOMING A LAWYER

I left my law practice in 1998 to join a Canadian technology company. After it was sold to an American software giant I became a consultant, working in the areas of corporate governance, corporate communications, investor relations and ethical issue management. You can see my consulting business website here: www.ethicalmanager.com.

I am also Vice President of Inter-Citic Minerals Inc., a TSX-listed gold exploration company with property in the People's Republic of China, where I look after their investor relations and communications.

I of course write a weekly column for the Sun chain of newspapers on a variety of topics. I have appeared weekly in the Calgary Sun for the past 10+ years. Have a look at what I've written this week. I have also been a regular columnist for the National Post, The Toronto Sun, Winnipeg Sun and London Free Press.

LOTS OF OTHER GOOD STUFF

I am a Past President of The Ontario Club. Founded in 1909 as a private business and social club in downtown Toronto. I am a Past President of The Lawyers Club, founded in 1922.

I am also Past President of the Toronto Press Club - an old and venerable institution that founded the Canadian News Hall of Fame. My first visit there was with my dad to play a promo game of billiards against singer Vic Damone. I was 13 at the time (and I beat him - sucker).

I was a Governor of the National Newspaper Awards (the NNAs) for seven years. Once a year the NNAs honour Canada's outstanding journalists at its awards gala. I was particularly pleased to be a Governor as my father won an National Newspaper Award in 1963.

In 2007 I was elected the international Grand Master of an ancient order of knighthood called The Order of Saint Joachim. It was founded 250 years ago by nobles of the Holy Roman Empire to promote religious tolerance and help widows and orphans of war. It is international and ecumenical, and today supports various children's charities. Its most famous member was Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson, hero of Trafalgar.

In 2008 I received the Freedom of the City of London, The granting of the Freedom of the City of London is one of the oldest surviving traditional ceremonies still in existence today, first presented in 1237. The medieval term 'freeman' meant someone who was not the property of a feudal lord, but enjoyed privileges such as the right to earn money and own land. Town dwellers who were protected by the charter of their town or city were often free - hence the term 'freedom of the City'. According to the City of London website, a "number of ancient privileges are associated with the Freedom - although they are more a product of collective memory than of documented evidence. They include the right to herd sheep over London bridge, to go about the City with a drawn sword, and if convicted of a capital offence, to be hung with a silken rope. Other advantages are said to have included the right to avoid being press-ganged, to be married in St Paul's Cathedral, buried in the City and to be drunk and disorderly without fear of arrest." All useful and valuable privileges, I'm sure you will agree, although I don't expect to test them anytime soon.

I am a non-military member of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders of Canada (Princess Louise's) Officers Mess in Hamilton.

I am a Past Worshipful Master of Harry L. Martyn Lodge, AF&AM GRC 696, and a Knight Commander of the Sovereign Military Order of the Temple of Jerusalem (SMOTJ), Priory of St. James (Toronto).

I served as VP and Communications Director of the Toronto East Unit of the Cancer Society. April is Campaign month, so remember to buy a daffodil and give generously when the canvassers come to your door.

Finally, I was appointed an Honourary Colonel and Aide de Camp by the Governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky - yes, a real Kentucky Colonel. I say there - unhand that fair maiden of the South!

I am married to Rhea, another lawyer, which is not to say that she doesn't have other many fine qualities. Our son James is busy now providing the second generation of Lautens columnists (me) with material.